kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Just ordered me some pizza!
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.