In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
wow he looks just like him
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.