I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once