Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”