Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?