Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out