My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
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Lol
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
This is the best one I’ve seen
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.