it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.