Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Something Saturday.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo