When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
It’s an epidemic…
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning