A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Herpes is trending, good job people
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad