The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
the answer was staring at me all along
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.