The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.