I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
🤣🤣
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants