Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?