Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins