If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
You Might Also Like
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?