For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
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me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.