I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
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3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger