careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
english majors be like furthermore
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet