*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
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Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.