Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
You Might Also Like
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
first you must answer his riddles
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.