Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.