employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Thursday Thought.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.