I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
had to share :’)
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
not for long
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
u guys got any snacks onboard here
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings