Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
opening twitter today
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
This is amazing.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”