[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Guilty! 🤪
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism