Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.