her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
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Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not