I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water