Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert