My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
These 3D printers are insane!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
That’s easy for you to say