As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
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I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.