Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
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So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
yes… yes…
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.