*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
You Might Also Like
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes