Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Ugh but profoundly
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Got him!