I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
This kid is a star!
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]