Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
A leaf blower, but for people.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.