Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
This is me 🤣🤣
All excellent questions
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?