Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My favorite female superhero
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?