90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***