when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Feels like there should be a middle ground
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.