I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
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I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
who wants to go expliring
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.