[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 馃槶馃槀
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Oh, you didn鈥檛 have any taste before Covid either, honey
My daughter鈥檚 birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 馃槈
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
OK, I鈥檓 ready for Senior Mints now.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter鈥檚 greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*