ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
You Might Also Like
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?