I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.