A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
You Might Also Like
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!