I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”