If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My dog learned how to text
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me