[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
You Might Also Like
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Bobby pin
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.